Never giving up

I made a pact with myself to never give up because I know what taking my life will do to my family. This is what I wrote: 

"I have hope that I will get better. I have the best, most supportive family anyone could ever ask for. I need to push myself to find strength and keep going because I have no other option. I do have the strength inside me to keep going, though at this point I have no idea where it is. I will keep searching and I will find what I need to push though this perfect storm. I am surrounded by love stronger than I ever knew was possible. For these people, I owe everything to and for that I will not give up. For them, I will not take my life and watch them endure a horrific pain. Healing is my first step and I have confidence that I will step over the finish line. I will face the monster that is lurking inside me and controlling my mind. I will rid it of it's destruction. I don't believe that I will ever be cured, but I do believe I can gain the tools to prevent this monster from taking me over once again. I am a good person. I just need to believe in that statement. I am loveable, funny, nice, and caring. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, a niece, and an aunt. I believe in myself and I am confident that I will win this battle. I have an army that nothing can compare to, who will help me in defeating this thing for good. It will make me stronger than I ever was before. I will win."

Drowning

     A lot of things have changed in my life since the last time I wrote. That was solely me losing my password, so sorry about that. I want to talk today about giving up. 

     On may 13th of 2011, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. I had  been sick for about two months prior and no one could determine what was wrong with me. That was a huge life-changer for me. A lot of people told me that it wouldn't be that hard and I would adapt quickly, but I guess they would have to actually be in my shoes to understand just hard it was....and is. I didn't even know what the disease was before I was diagnosed, which gave me fear in eating anything. I was told by the doctors that I would have to live with this and there was no cure for my particular situation. There were essentially two types of Celiac disease. One was from a dermatological perspective and the other was from an intestinal perspective. I had the very uncommon occurrence of developing both. Even if I wanted to eat gluten, I couldn't because I would break out into hives and get the worst stomach aches you could possibly imagine. This new change was not only difficult for me, but my family as well.
     I would lay awake screaming and holding my stomach because of the pain I was in and eventually I gained such a familiarity with these reactions that I began to not even feel pain anymore. This is what later triggered my depression. Not only was I not getting all my nutrition, but the food group that gives you energy was the one that I couldn't touch. I slept all the time and never had enough energy to go out. I started losing friends. For days at a time I would never leave the house except for doctors appointments. Depression finally kicked in when I began cutting myself mid-summer. I then began my counseling and was immediately put on anti-depressants and sleeping medication. Before I was able to grasp all of this quick change, my senior year had started.
     Thinking about it now, I can't believe how I wasn't able to see the signs that I was developing an eating disorder. I had lost over 20 pounds from being a Celiac and it turned into an obsession. I was constantly comparing myself to others, body checking, eating habits, everything. I started a tumblr account that contained all things related to not eating. I would re-blog what other people had said such as "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" and "stop eating fatty." I thought nothing of it. I wanted to be skinny so bad.
     Before I knew it, I had become underweight for my height. A lot of people told me I didn't look any different, but what people have to understand is that when your body reaches starvation mode it will do anything to keep the fat it has left. I lost any muscle I had and any spark that was left in me. I started cutting again and restricting my calories to less than 500 a day. It was actually working for about 3 weeks until I started fainting. I became dehydrated and couldn't even hold myself up for more than a few minutes. I was then diagnosed with anorexia, as if things couldn't get any worse.
     I was soon put into a program named "The Emily Program" (Ironic.) They told my parents that I needed to be in IDP which stands for intensive day program. I would be removed from my current school and be at programming for 8am-7pm everyday. My parents didn't want to do this to me so they settled on an agreement for 3 days a week 4-7pm and I had to eat lunch at home. At this point I was so depressed about everything in my life that I didn't even have the energy to keep fighting. 
     On Tuesday, February 2nd I made some very bad choices in hurting myself. I was so desperate to feel something, an emotion, anything. Pain was the only thing I could feel, and even that wasn't enough. I slashed and carved into my legs things like the word "fat" but it still wasn't enough. The pain didn't last long enough. I endured my first "attack" I guess you could say. Before I knew what was happening, my parents were both holding me down trying to get me to stop screaming. I was yelling that I didn't want to live and I was worth nothing. I can't even imagine what that did to them. My brother, was crying. Never in my life had I ever seen an occurrence such as that. I knew it had to stop. Today I will be going to the program to re-assess and come up with a more vigorous recovery plan.