Keep Fighting

(Written in my Journal dated October 2012)

          It is the middle of October, close to the anniversary of when my eating disorder began. It’s difficult to comprehend all that has changed, including myself. I wish I could say that I am a better person than I was a year ago and maybe in some ways I am. One thing is clear though; my eating disorder is still here and just as strong.

          I cut for the first time in three months yesterday. It was the worst self-harm I have ever inflicted upon myself but at the same time, I felt almost nothing. There wasn’t anything that upset me to cause this to happen, it just did. Lately I have been feeling so empty and it’s like no matter how hard I try to feel something, I simply can’t. Some people use cutting to escape from the pain while others use it to feel pain. I guess I am the latter in that I only feel a numbing inside of me and it’s not enough.

          The day following my cutting, I saw an ad online that was promoting self-harm awareness day. How ironic that this day came when I was feeling so bad. The goal of this day was to bring awareness to people who self-harm by writing ‘keep fighting’ on your arm. I did this myself but as I did, I felt that it was going to be a hard day for me to get through. I decided to ask for some help, something I never do. I sent out a text to about 12 of my friends and family, asking them to write ‘keep fighting’ on their arms and send it to me as a reminder that they are fighting for me. What I received by the end of the day was a miracle. I had received over fifty messages, Facebook posts, and calls from people reminding me of their love. My Facebook wall was covered with photos of people showing their arms. It was so unexpected and shocking for me to read what had been sent.

I remember one post in particular as I was scrolling through everything on my Facebook wall. I was writing down all of the names of people so I could thank them, when I came across a post from my sister. She and her four year old daughter had both written on their arms and left a message telling me how important I was in their life. My heart broke when I saw it. Viola is four years old and she may not understand what this day has meant to me, but she will someday. I envy her sometimes because life is so simple at her age. Why do children yearn so badly to be adults? A better question, why do adults wish they were kids again? I definitely believe that I grew up too fast and sometimes I just wish I could be a child again. The combination of things that I have had to face already in my first 18 years of life, most kids have not even come close to understanding. I just pray that when Viola becomes a teenager, I can be there to keep her on the right path because I don’t want her to have to encounter what I have. The pain that I have had to go through the past year, I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. You may think that cutting, depression, and an eating disorder are minor compared to what could be; such as cancer, suicide, or a heart attack. But you have to be in those shoes to truly grasp how much of a toll it takes on a person. I’m not saying that those illnesses are simple; I am just trying to get across the point that there are things that can be just as bad.

I am hanging on by a thread right now but I'm still fighting. To me, that shows enough about what all these factors combined can do to you. Something that has really been bothering me lately is how everyone tells me how strong I am. That statement is a flat out lie. I not strong, I'm far from it because if I was, I wouldn’t have an eating disorder now would I? The only thing worse that actually having an eating disorder is being pulled every which way by people who are trying to help you. I’m trying so hard to live up to the expectations that I have been given. I’m doing my best to fight it but the constant reinforcement of people telling me how strong I am is making me weaker. Sometimes I just want everybody to shut up so I can hear my own thoughts. I love that people want to help me but it’s hard to figure out how you feel when everyone else is forcing it on you.

If I am getting better and gaining weight, doesn’t that mean I’m weak? I am supposed to be fighting the urge to eat, not fighting my ability to have an eating disorder. I am a complete failure to myself and to Frankie if I don’t try to resist the urge to eat. You don’t hear people saying “Oh she’s eating? Wow, that girl is strong.” So what will make me strong then? I am terrified of getting better because I forgot how to live without my ED. Who am I without it? No one. For far too long this disease has been a part of my life, a constant stream in my head. I have no idea what I would do without it. I feel that this makes me a bad person though. Am I really that selfish that I put my own need to lose weight before my family? I have seen what effect Frankie has had on the people around me, but somehow it doesn’t matter. As long as I’m skinny, everything is going to be okay.

Board Games

A Summer of Change 

(Written in my Journal dated July 2012) 

          Its summer and I am spending it at my lake cabin in Paynesville, Minnesota. I never thought it would be possible to find a moment as peaceful as the one I am in. As we speak, I write this evening while lying on my dock and watching the sunset. There is a cool breeze, strong enough to keep my hair back and out of my face. Not one boat or any other sign of human life around is to be seen, except me. It’s me and the natural beauty of the world. And God. There are songbirds chasing each other around my head and in the distance, I squint and am barely able to make out the pelicans bobbing up and down, searching for their evening meal. As I lay curled up with a blanket at the end of the dock, I see the head of a snapping turtle popping up for air a few feet away, curious as to what the world above contains.

          I want to be a bird. Then I could be free and reckless and selfish. No one would care. I try to take in beautiful moments like this and be thankful for all that I have. But I can’t. I want to love my life and I want to be grateful for the path I have been brought to. Nothing comes to mind though. I can’t think of anything to say. Dear God, I am oh so flattered that you gave me the life I have. I was verbally abused and cheated on by someone I wasted two years believing was the one. I was manipulated by someone I trusted most and at one time called by best and truest friend. Oh, but wait, there’s more. Dear God, thank you for giving me celiac disease. I’m glad you allowed me to think it was okay to starve myself to death. For just standing there, watching me become addicted to cutting and numbers and food and scales and calories. I hate you for making me want to kill myself. I hate you.

          Or at least I did….

          What I hate most is that I don’t hate you at all. I should be angry and feel hurt. I was betrayed and felt completely alone in the world. I needed you. I think I understand now though. Sometimes people do bad things and are never justified for their actions while others remain in complete innocence but are losing ground to walk on. Maybe it is true that the worst things happen to the best people. If that is true, then you must still love me, even though I have blamed you for everything. Am I strong enough? Is that why you put all of this on me? I would like to think that that is true. We are all born good, I believe that. We all endure things as a child, a parent, and a friend. If you think about it, the human race has endured some pretty nasty things. And a lot of it we have done to each other. It is unrealistic to believe that all of us would ever be surrogates – saluting the Ten Commandments and staying far from temptation. I am one of the first to know that whether we like it or not, things change. People change. You can’t expect people to overcome life’s every day challenges of death, war, loss, anger, power, and evil – and be okay.

          God gave me these challenges because someone had to get them. He was confident in me, knowing I could handle the seemingly endless list of difficult obstacles. It’s like this burning itch inside of me, I can feel it. This life was handed to me. Yeah, I went through hell and I wanted to just give up on life, literally. Those so-called “bad” people have lost their footing and it may very well be that they never find it. I think giving one of them the set of obstacles I was given would have destroyed them. They wouldn’t have handled it the same. It’s not that I am so much stronger than they are or anything, but at that time that my life shifted, I was on track. I was free of any and all scars. Once the first one appeared, it was difficult. I saw a change in life around me and I even thought differently. Suddenly it was one hit after another and my scar was constantly being scratched at and re-opened, never getting a chance to heal. I don’t think I would have been able to get through it if I had already started out with scars. Bad things happen to good people because we are at a place in our lives where we can handle these hardships. We are being asked to lead and guide others to good, despite the horrific things that may happen. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. He believes that good can and will come out of all of this.

          You may be reading this and disagree with what I say because you don’t believe in a higher power. That’s okay. I'm not here to re-arrange anyone’s belief system. I just need to write this, to know that there is hope. I'm not sure if finding hope is more for me or for others reading, but I wish that some larger-than-life idea can come out of this.

          Sitting in the calmness of this moment, I realize something. Now, it may not be the answer you’re looking for and it may not be the answer to the meaning of life but it’s my theory. And it’s one I'm going to build the rest of my life off of. Life is not so simple. You are not handed a board game with instructions. The rules and limits of this game we call life are for you to create. You have the ultimate power in deciding your game. You and you alone have the ability to determine the end. You decide how to win.

A shoutout to my family

        Unfortunately, my situation has taken a huge toll not only on my parents, but my two brothers as well. At first we were all able to handle the things thrown at us. Having Celiac disease was a big life changer for me and my family as they were trying their hardest to be careful around food I couldn’t eat. You would be surprised how many things have gluten in them and how badly you just want to eat a whole Domino's pizza!

        A couple months past and we were getting a handle on things, especially with it being summer and school wasn’t a factor. However, depression and cutting came next and it was a huge shock to my family. I used to listen in on my parent’s trying to determine what the next step was for me. Before they could even comprehend and come to terms with the fact that I was hurting myself, the restricting food started. For about two months they had no knowledge of this because they were mostly focused on the cutting. One day my mom had found a paper stating what I would eat and the calories I would take in and burn for the week. Then, they knew I had an eating disorder. My mom has probably hit the worst of things as she was diagnosed with depression soon after I got into treatment. We have had our fights and cries over my life yes, but we have also rejoiced in the slow but sure progress I have been making. I hate to be a burden to my family and cause so much pain, but I know I would be there for them if something like this happened. I could not be more grateful for the efforts they have put into helping me fight this nasty disease. So this is just a thank you to them and to my friends and others who have been a strong foothold for me. Things will get better and they will get easier. I have to believe that. You all have given me the strength to believe in myself and I wanted you to know how much you mean to me.

Eat, Pray, Love

     I just finished the book Eat, Pray, Love and let me tell you it was one of the most inspiring novels I've read. Now, I won't explain the book because I want you to read it for yourself. I did however, find some very meaningful quotes that I thought I would just share. Enjoy. 

      "The resting place of the mind, is the heart. The only thing the mind hears all day is the clanging bells and noise and argument, and all it wants is quietude. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of the heart. That's where you need to go." 

     "I am that. I am divine, I am with God, I am an expression of God, I am not separate, I am not alone, I am not this limited illusion of an individual." 

     "Soul Mate... Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."

The monster in us all

A monster lurks within every soul
      Today, for my English class I was assigned to write a response to the article "A monster lurks within every soul." Ok.... sounds like the typical fight that every human has with evil. To my surprise, it was one of the most powerful things I've ever read. I posted the link and I encourage all of you to take a look.
      Our culture has changed drastically throughout the years and its scary to think about how real killing is. Its as if we all have this "easy" button for evil. We all begin as good people, its what nature is...good. Unfortunately, we also have this evil inside, its what temptation is....evil. People more often than not, have this mask of happiness and perfection that everyone else would kill to have. (irony?)  People also have very secretive lives that not even family members know about. I remember when I read the book She Said Yes by Misty Bernall and thinking, wow. What drives someone to kill like that? I felt the same two years ago after hearing that a student at my school took their own life. Evil is a sneaky thing that can hit you before you realize its too late. Just a rude remark, perhaps even said as a joke, can drive someone to take their own life or the lives of others. We all have a breaking point and when we reach it, we snap. As this article points out, "The question isn't why someone snaps but how the rest of us refrain from our darkest urges."
     David Buss was interviewed for the article when he did a survey at his school. He found that over 91% of his male students and 84% of the females wrote that they had seriously thought about killing someone. When asked to write a paper about it, they all turned in stories of the horrid ways they would seek revenge on these people who did them wrong. Hold up. So you think killing someone is the way for you to find your happiness? Am I the only one who sees a fault in this? I don't care how evil you are.... you still have a conscious and I don't know how you would be able to live with yourself.
     Let me try to explain something....emphasis on try. So this girl, lets call her Lola and this boy, lets call him Teddy. Teddy cheats on Lola with Trixie. Lola gets angry and kills Teddy. Trixie gets pissed and kills Lola. Lola's family and friends want justice and kill Trixie. Trixie's friends and family want justice so her brother kills Lola's younger sister. Lola's parents get angry and kill Trixie's younger sister.... Get what I mean? Its a vicious cycle that wont be ending anytime soon. Maybe this was a bad example, an exaggeration to say the least, but you get my point.
      I know world peace is highly unrealistic, but I think we can all do a little better than what were doing right now. It's not working. I definitely have a few people that need payback and sometimes I just want to rip out their hair. But! You can't do that. Don't stoop to their level. You're better than that. Trust me, if you do something sufficiently horrible to them, that feeling of sweet revenge isn't going to last long. I am definitely not saying that you should just up and forgive them. Were not that perfect. But we can move on to bigger and better things.
       I have altered a famous quote to my own liking and I hope it gives you some insight.... Pay no mind to those who treat you like freaking shit, for they have whats coming for them.
      No, but in all seriousness they do. We all have a choice, its not as simple as choosing good or evil for we are human and we all sin and will in the future. But taking one step forward and fighting that thing inside which drives us all into evil and temptation...well, its one step closer. Its kind of like when someone tries to lose weight, they think oh this small bowl of ice cream isn't going to make a difference. Half a gallon later I think we all know it will. Getting revenge and doing something "bad" can seem so great and powerful for that one second, but afterwords, your in for a world of hurt. One thing, anything can make all the difference. I definitely get that every time you get knocked down, it gets easier and easier to give up on life. But you know what? Each time you do get up. You get stronger and you WILL be able to handle whatever comes next. Life is not easy...obviously. Life can suck.... that's a given. But life is worth living. Whoever you are. And the pain goes away and voices in your head go away and it all gets easier. You are stronger than the monster inside and you can beat it. You have before.

The time we waste

Sometimes I feel like we waste our words and we waste our moments. Its like we don’t take the time to say things that are in our hearts when we have the chance... and then its too late. 

As a senior, I've begun to look back at my years in high school and the decisions I made. Let me make it clear, I do not believe in regrets. However, I do think its important to reflect on your life and learn from it in a broader perspective. You've seen the movies, you've read the books, and you've heard it in the news... the people who take their life for granted and one little decision changes everything. You can take this information to a micro or macro perspective. From cheating on a test to not wearing your seat-belt. 

Take every opportunity to step back from reality and assess your life. Is it everything you want? Do you feel you are making a mark on the world? Do you feel worthy? Do you feel like you are a genuine person and that you have seriously contributed to people on this earth? 
          Ok.... then change it. 

     You are the mastermind of your own life. Start from this very second and make an impact on the world. Take every breathe you've breathed on this earth and use those instances to further someone else. I was recently hurt by someone who I loved very very much. I am so angry at how they hurt me and lied to me. I blame myself because I'm obviously not pretty enough or nice enough for him. That's when you tell yourself to shut the hell up. You are worth it! God isn't going to give you anything you can't handle. This has probably been the most difficult time in my life as everything that could go wrong, has.
 I believe, without a doubt, that there was a purpose in all of this. I want people to know what I went through because I want to help them through it too. That isn't to say that I'm not still hurt, because I am. I love him and hate him with all the strength in me. But I am allowed to move on... because I am worth it. Maybe not to him, maybe not to a friend, but there are enough people that love me and will fight with me to become stronger out of all of this. I actually feel relieved, as if I have gotten through this and I am ready for whatever is next. I so want to help people that are going through this, because if they don't have support like I was fortunate to have...I just can't even imagine. Its so easy to shut people out and hide away from the world, but you are loved. Whoever is reading this, I love you and I would do anything in my power to help you if you need it.

Never giving up

I made a pact with myself to never give up because I know what taking my life will do to my family. This is what I wrote: 

"I have hope that I will get better. I have the best, most supportive family anyone could ever ask for. I need to push myself to find strength and keep going because I have no other option. I do have the strength inside me to keep going, though at this point I have no idea where it is. I will keep searching and I will find what I need to push though this perfect storm. I am surrounded by love stronger than I ever knew was possible. For these people, I owe everything to and for that I will not give up. For them, I will not take my life and watch them endure a horrific pain. Healing is my first step and I have confidence that I will step over the finish line. I will face the monster that is lurking inside me and controlling my mind. I will rid it of it's destruction. I don't believe that I will ever be cured, but I do believe I can gain the tools to prevent this monster from taking me over once again. I am a good person. I just need to believe in that statement. I am loveable, funny, nice, and caring. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, a niece, and an aunt. I believe in myself and I am confident that I will win this battle. I have an army that nothing can compare to, who will help me in defeating this thing for good. It will make me stronger than I ever was before. I will win."

Drowning

     A lot of things have changed in my life since the last time I wrote. That was solely me losing my password, so sorry about that. I want to talk today about giving up. 

     On may 13th of 2011, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. I had  been sick for about two months prior and no one could determine what was wrong with me. That was a huge life-changer for me. A lot of people told me that it wouldn't be that hard and I would adapt quickly, but I guess they would have to actually be in my shoes to understand just hard it was....and is. I didn't even know what the disease was before I was diagnosed, which gave me fear in eating anything. I was told by the doctors that I would have to live with this and there was no cure for my particular situation. There were essentially two types of Celiac disease. One was from a dermatological perspective and the other was from an intestinal perspective. I had the very uncommon occurrence of developing both. Even if I wanted to eat gluten, I couldn't because I would break out into hives and get the worst stomach aches you could possibly imagine. This new change was not only difficult for me, but my family as well.
     I would lay awake screaming and holding my stomach because of the pain I was in and eventually I gained such a familiarity with these reactions that I began to not even feel pain anymore. This is what later triggered my depression. Not only was I not getting all my nutrition, but the food group that gives you energy was the one that I couldn't touch. I slept all the time and never had enough energy to go out. I started losing friends. For days at a time I would never leave the house except for doctors appointments. Depression finally kicked in when I began cutting myself mid-summer. I then began my counseling and was immediately put on anti-depressants and sleeping medication. Before I was able to grasp all of this quick change, my senior year had started.
     Thinking about it now, I can't believe how I wasn't able to see the signs that I was developing an eating disorder. I had lost over 20 pounds from being a Celiac and it turned into an obsession. I was constantly comparing myself to others, body checking, eating habits, everything. I started a tumblr account that contained all things related to not eating. I would re-blog what other people had said such as "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" and "stop eating fatty." I thought nothing of it. I wanted to be skinny so bad.
     Before I knew it, I had become underweight for my height. A lot of people told me I didn't look any different, but what people have to understand is that when your body reaches starvation mode it will do anything to keep the fat it has left. I lost any muscle I had and any spark that was left in me. I started cutting again and restricting my calories to less than 500 a day. It was actually working for about 3 weeks until I started fainting. I became dehydrated and couldn't even hold myself up for more than a few minutes. I was then diagnosed with anorexia, as if things couldn't get any worse.
     I was soon put into a program named "The Emily Program" (Ironic.) They told my parents that I needed to be in IDP which stands for intensive day program. I would be removed from my current school and be at programming for 8am-7pm everyday. My parents didn't want to do this to me so they settled on an agreement for 3 days a week 4-7pm and I had to eat lunch at home. At this point I was so depressed about everything in my life that I didn't even have the energy to keep fighting. 
     On Tuesday, February 2nd I made some very bad choices in hurting myself. I was so desperate to feel something, an emotion, anything. Pain was the only thing I could feel, and even that wasn't enough. I slashed and carved into my legs things like the word "fat" but it still wasn't enough. The pain didn't last long enough. I endured my first "attack" I guess you could say. Before I knew what was happening, my parents were both holding me down trying to get me to stop screaming. I was yelling that I didn't want to live and I was worth nothing. I can't even imagine what that did to them. My brother, was crying. Never in my life had I ever seen an occurrence such as that. I knew it had to stop. Today I will be going to the program to re-assess and come up with a more vigorous recovery plan.