Keep Fighting

(Written in my Journal dated October 2012)

          It is the middle of October, close to the anniversary of when my eating disorder began. It’s difficult to comprehend all that has changed, including myself. I wish I could say that I am a better person than I was a year ago and maybe in some ways I am. One thing is clear though; my eating disorder is still here and just as strong.

          I cut for the first time in three months yesterday. It was the worst self-harm I have ever inflicted upon myself but at the same time, I felt almost nothing. There wasn’t anything that upset me to cause this to happen, it just did. Lately I have been feeling so empty and it’s like no matter how hard I try to feel something, I simply can’t. Some people use cutting to escape from the pain while others use it to feel pain. I guess I am the latter in that I only feel a numbing inside of me and it’s not enough.

          The day following my cutting, I saw an ad online that was promoting self-harm awareness day. How ironic that this day came when I was feeling so bad. The goal of this day was to bring awareness to people who self-harm by writing ‘keep fighting’ on your arm. I did this myself but as I did, I felt that it was going to be a hard day for me to get through. I decided to ask for some help, something I never do. I sent out a text to about 12 of my friends and family, asking them to write ‘keep fighting’ on their arms and send it to me as a reminder that they are fighting for me. What I received by the end of the day was a miracle. I had received over fifty messages, Facebook posts, and calls from people reminding me of their love. My Facebook wall was covered with photos of people showing their arms. It was so unexpected and shocking for me to read what had been sent.

I remember one post in particular as I was scrolling through everything on my Facebook wall. I was writing down all of the names of people so I could thank them, when I came across a post from my sister. She and her four year old daughter had both written on their arms and left a message telling me how important I was in their life. My heart broke when I saw it. Viola is four years old and she may not understand what this day has meant to me, but she will someday. I envy her sometimes because life is so simple at her age. Why do children yearn so badly to be adults? A better question, why do adults wish they were kids again? I definitely believe that I grew up too fast and sometimes I just wish I could be a child again. The combination of things that I have had to face already in my first 18 years of life, most kids have not even come close to understanding. I just pray that when Viola becomes a teenager, I can be there to keep her on the right path because I don’t want her to have to encounter what I have. The pain that I have had to go through the past year, I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. You may think that cutting, depression, and an eating disorder are minor compared to what could be; such as cancer, suicide, or a heart attack. But you have to be in those shoes to truly grasp how much of a toll it takes on a person. I’m not saying that those illnesses are simple; I am just trying to get across the point that there are things that can be just as bad.

I am hanging on by a thread right now but I'm still fighting. To me, that shows enough about what all these factors combined can do to you. Something that has really been bothering me lately is how everyone tells me how strong I am. That statement is a flat out lie. I not strong, I'm far from it because if I was, I wouldn’t have an eating disorder now would I? The only thing worse that actually having an eating disorder is being pulled every which way by people who are trying to help you. I’m trying so hard to live up to the expectations that I have been given. I’m doing my best to fight it but the constant reinforcement of people telling me how strong I am is making me weaker. Sometimes I just want everybody to shut up so I can hear my own thoughts. I love that people want to help me but it’s hard to figure out how you feel when everyone else is forcing it on you.

If I am getting better and gaining weight, doesn’t that mean I’m weak? I am supposed to be fighting the urge to eat, not fighting my ability to have an eating disorder. I am a complete failure to myself and to Frankie if I don’t try to resist the urge to eat. You don’t hear people saying “Oh she’s eating? Wow, that girl is strong.” So what will make me strong then? I am terrified of getting better because I forgot how to live without my ED. Who am I without it? No one. For far too long this disease has been a part of my life, a constant stream in my head. I have no idea what I would do without it. I feel that this makes me a bad person though. Am I really that selfish that I put my own need to lose weight before my family? I have seen what effect Frankie has had on the people around me, but somehow it doesn’t matter. As long as I’m skinny, everything is going to be okay.