Board Games

A Summer of Change 

(Written in my Journal dated July 2012) 

          Its summer and I am spending it at my lake cabin in Paynesville, Minnesota. I never thought it would be possible to find a moment as peaceful as the one I am in. As we speak, I write this evening while lying on my dock and watching the sunset. There is a cool breeze, strong enough to keep my hair back and out of my face. Not one boat or any other sign of human life around is to be seen, except me. It’s me and the natural beauty of the world. And God. There are songbirds chasing each other around my head and in the distance, I squint and am barely able to make out the pelicans bobbing up and down, searching for their evening meal. As I lay curled up with a blanket at the end of the dock, I see the head of a snapping turtle popping up for air a few feet away, curious as to what the world above contains.

          I want to be a bird. Then I could be free and reckless and selfish. No one would care. I try to take in beautiful moments like this and be thankful for all that I have. But I can’t. I want to love my life and I want to be grateful for the path I have been brought to. Nothing comes to mind though. I can’t think of anything to say. Dear God, I am oh so flattered that you gave me the life I have. I was verbally abused and cheated on by someone I wasted two years believing was the one. I was manipulated by someone I trusted most and at one time called by best and truest friend. Oh, but wait, there’s more. Dear God, thank you for giving me celiac disease. I’m glad you allowed me to think it was okay to starve myself to death. For just standing there, watching me become addicted to cutting and numbers and food and scales and calories. I hate you for making me want to kill myself. I hate you.

          Or at least I did….

          What I hate most is that I don’t hate you at all. I should be angry and feel hurt. I was betrayed and felt completely alone in the world. I needed you. I think I understand now though. Sometimes people do bad things and are never justified for their actions while others remain in complete innocence but are losing ground to walk on. Maybe it is true that the worst things happen to the best people. If that is true, then you must still love me, even though I have blamed you for everything. Am I strong enough? Is that why you put all of this on me? I would like to think that that is true. We are all born good, I believe that. We all endure things as a child, a parent, and a friend. If you think about it, the human race has endured some pretty nasty things. And a lot of it we have done to each other. It is unrealistic to believe that all of us would ever be surrogates – saluting the Ten Commandments and staying far from temptation. I am one of the first to know that whether we like it or not, things change. People change. You can’t expect people to overcome life’s every day challenges of death, war, loss, anger, power, and evil – and be okay.

          God gave me these challenges because someone had to get them. He was confident in me, knowing I could handle the seemingly endless list of difficult obstacles. It’s like this burning itch inside of me, I can feel it. This life was handed to me. Yeah, I went through hell and I wanted to just give up on life, literally. Those so-called “bad” people have lost their footing and it may very well be that they never find it. I think giving one of them the set of obstacles I was given would have destroyed them. They wouldn’t have handled it the same. It’s not that I am so much stronger than they are or anything, but at that time that my life shifted, I was on track. I was free of any and all scars. Once the first one appeared, it was difficult. I saw a change in life around me and I even thought differently. Suddenly it was one hit after another and my scar was constantly being scratched at and re-opened, never getting a chance to heal. I don’t think I would have been able to get through it if I had already started out with scars. Bad things happen to good people because we are at a place in our lives where we can handle these hardships. We are being asked to lead and guide others to good, despite the horrific things that may happen. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. He believes that good can and will come out of all of this.

          You may be reading this and disagree with what I say because you don’t believe in a higher power. That’s okay. I'm not here to re-arrange anyone’s belief system. I just need to write this, to know that there is hope. I'm not sure if finding hope is more for me or for others reading, but I wish that some larger-than-life idea can come out of this.

          Sitting in the calmness of this moment, I realize something. Now, it may not be the answer you’re looking for and it may not be the answer to the meaning of life but it’s my theory. And it’s one I'm going to build the rest of my life off of. Life is not so simple. You are not handed a board game with instructions. The rules and limits of this game we call life are for you to create. You have the ultimate power in deciding your game. You and you alone have the ability to determine the end. You decide how to win.