The time we waste

Sometimes I feel like we waste our words and we waste our moments. Its like we don’t take the time to say things that are in our hearts when we have the chance... and then its too late. 

As a senior, I've begun to look back at my years in high school and the decisions I made. Let me make it clear, I do not believe in regrets. However, I do think its important to reflect on your life and learn from it in a broader perspective. You've seen the movies, you've read the books, and you've heard it in the news... the people who take their life for granted and one little decision changes everything. You can take this information to a micro or macro perspective. From cheating on a test to not wearing your seat-belt. 

Take every opportunity to step back from reality and assess your life. Is it everything you want? Do you feel you are making a mark on the world? Do you feel worthy? Do you feel like you are a genuine person and that you have seriously contributed to people on this earth? 
          Ok.... then change it. 

     You are the mastermind of your own life. Start from this very second and make an impact on the world. Take every breathe you've breathed on this earth and use those instances to further someone else. I was recently hurt by someone who I loved very very much. I am so angry at how they hurt me and lied to me. I blame myself because I'm obviously not pretty enough or nice enough for him. That's when you tell yourself to shut the hell up. You are worth it! God isn't going to give you anything you can't handle. This has probably been the most difficult time in my life as everything that could go wrong, has.
 I believe, without a doubt, that there was a purpose in all of this. I want people to know what I went through because I want to help them through it too. That isn't to say that I'm not still hurt, because I am. I love him and hate him with all the strength in me. But I am allowed to move on... because I am worth it. Maybe not to him, maybe not to a friend, but there are enough people that love me and will fight with me to become stronger out of all of this. I actually feel relieved, as if I have gotten through this and I am ready for whatever is next. I so want to help people that are going through this, because if they don't have support like I was fortunate to have...I just can't even imagine. Its so easy to shut people out and hide away from the world, but you are loved. Whoever is reading this, I love you and I would do anything in my power to help you if you need it.

Never giving up

I made a pact with myself to never give up because I know what taking my life will do to my family. This is what I wrote: 

"I have hope that I will get better. I have the best, most supportive family anyone could ever ask for. I need to push myself to find strength and keep going because I have no other option. I do have the strength inside me to keep going, though at this point I have no idea where it is. I will keep searching and I will find what I need to push though this perfect storm. I am surrounded by love stronger than I ever knew was possible. For these people, I owe everything to and for that I will not give up. For them, I will not take my life and watch them endure a horrific pain. Healing is my first step and I have confidence that I will step over the finish line. I will face the monster that is lurking inside me and controlling my mind. I will rid it of it's destruction. I don't believe that I will ever be cured, but I do believe I can gain the tools to prevent this monster from taking me over once again. I am a good person. I just need to believe in that statement. I am loveable, funny, nice, and caring. I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, a niece, and an aunt. I believe in myself and I am confident that I will win this battle. I have an army that nothing can compare to, who will help me in defeating this thing for good. It will make me stronger than I ever was before. I will win."

Drowning

     A lot of things have changed in my life since the last time I wrote. That was solely me losing my password, so sorry about that. I want to talk today about giving up. 

     On may 13th of 2011, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease. I had  been sick for about two months prior and no one could determine what was wrong with me. That was a huge life-changer for me. A lot of people told me that it wouldn't be that hard and I would adapt quickly, but I guess they would have to actually be in my shoes to understand just hard it was....and is. I didn't even know what the disease was before I was diagnosed, which gave me fear in eating anything. I was told by the doctors that I would have to live with this and there was no cure for my particular situation. There were essentially two types of Celiac disease. One was from a dermatological perspective and the other was from an intestinal perspective. I had the very uncommon occurrence of developing both. Even if I wanted to eat gluten, I couldn't because I would break out into hives and get the worst stomach aches you could possibly imagine. This new change was not only difficult for me, but my family as well.
     I would lay awake screaming and holding my stomach because of the pain I was in and eventually I gained such a familiarity with these reactions that I began to not even feel pain anymore. This is what later triggered my depression. Not only was I not getting all my nutrition, but the food group that gives you energy was the one that I couldn't touch. I slept all the time and never had enough energy to go out. I started losing friends. For days at a time I would never leave the house except for doctors appointments. Depression finally kicked in when I began cutting myself mid-summer. I then began my counseling and was immediately put on anti-depressants and sleeping medication. Before I was able to grasp all of this quick change, my senior year had started.
     Thinking about it now, I can't believe how I wasn't able to see the signs that I was developing an eating disorder. I had lost over 20 pounds from being a Celiac and it turned into an obsession. I was constantly comparing myself to others, body checking, eating habits, everything. I started a tumblr account that contained all things related to not eating. I would re-blog what other people had said such as "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" and "stop eating fatty." I thought nothing of it. I wanted to be skinny so bad.
     Before I knew it, I had become underweight for my height. A lot of people told me I didn't look any different, but what people have to understand is that when your body reaches starvation mode it will do anything to keep the fat it has left. I lost any muscle I had and any spark that was left in me. I started cutting again and restricting my calories to less than 500 a day. It was actually working for about 3 weeks until I started fainting. I became dehydrated and couldn't even hold myself up for more than a few minutes. I was then diagnosed with anorexia, as if things couldn't get any worse.
     I was soon put into a program named "The Emily Program" (Ironic.) They told my parents that I needed to be in IDP which stands for intensive day program. I would be removed from my current school and be at programming for 8am-7pm everyday. My parents didn't want to do this to me so they settled on an agreement for 3 days a week 4-7pm and I had to eat lunch at home. At this point I was so depressed about everything in my life that I didn't even have the energy to keep fighting. 
     On Tuesday, February 2nd I made some very bad choices in hurting myself. I was so desperate to feel something, an emotion, anything. Pain was the only thing I could feel, and even that wasn't enough. I slashed and carved into my legs things like the word "fat" but it still wasn't enough. The pain didn't last long enough. I endured my first "attack" I guess you could say. Before I knew what was happening, my parents were both holding me down trying to get me to stop screaming. I was yelling that I didn't want to live and I was worth nothing. I can't even imagine what that did to them. My brother, was crying. Never in my life had I ever seen an occurrence such as that. I knew it had to stop. Today I will be going to the program to re-assess and come up with a more vigorous recovery plan.

What we all go through.

Heartbreak. Confusion. Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Loss. 

    We all go through it.
             

                I wish none of us did, but we do. Its part of being human and its what makes us stronger. 

I remember when I was little. Watching all those movies about magic and fairy tales and just wishing that those people who find love and magic could be me. That I will be swept off of my feet and the above words don't exist.... What I find to be magic and the most beautiful thing is to find those people who are lost in the world and help them find their way. To see how they were in such a dark place and then to be guided to a light and living a beautiful life.                                                         

                        

                         What I've learned is that all these things are a part of life. I have done a lot of stupid things to try and cope with my problems, though I soon realized that none of those things would permanently make me forget my any of it. Because nothing can. They will always be a part of me and always be in my heart.



So believe it or not, I'm happy! I still have all of those things to carry with me and I will ALWAYS carry them with me. They are a constant reminder of what I have gone through and they will help me to get through whatever the future brings. My answer to all of your problems, is to find something you love and throw yourself in deep. It could be something as simple as reading, or journaling, or even going on a run. Just something that gives you happiness. Remember that you cannot control anything that occurs in your life, but make a pact to find the best in everything. After every rain, there comes a rainbow. Whether its there in plain sight, or hidden for you to find. 


Ps: I know how hard it is for a teenager to feel heartbreak. You feel like you will never find someone as good as you had before and you thought that they were the one. TRUST ME: I have gotten the "there's more fish in the sea" speech, but its so true. You may not have someone now and you are probably thinking that you will be single forever because just one week alone seems like forever. The best advice I can give is to focus on yourself. Find out who you are because that's half of what high school is about.You have to love you before you can give yourself to someone else.

 So here is a playlist for you. Just one of the many ways to relieve your pain. Go in your room,lay on your floor, turn off the lights, listen to this, AND CRY! But after that; get your lazy butt up, go for a run, compliment yourself, and remind everyone in your life how important they are to you

1. Its not my time by 3 doors down - Don't let yourself drown. Theres more to you than you even know so strive to be the best you can be because you are wonderful just the way you are, even if you don't see it! 
2. Lost by Coldplay - Just because your losing and your hurting doesn't mean you will always be lost and hurt. You will find your way and you will shine. Wait until the war stops and the doors unlock. 
3. Second chance by Shinedown -Don't let other people control your life. Sometimes making a mistake or losing someone is a second chance because you learn from it for next time.
4. Good life by One Republic - We may not have any stories left to tell but that doesn't mean we didn't  have any good stories in the first place. Let go of everything bad because theres nothing to complain about. This is a good life.
5. Beautiful by Eminem - This is one of my favorite songs. The media, books, movies, and peer pressure all put the emphasis on whats on the outside. The looks. When that is the last thing that we should base our opinions on because we will never measure up to our own expectations. 
6.  We are young by 3OH!3 - We are young. We make mistakes and sometimes we are really stupid. Learn from every decision you make because thats the ultimate way to learn. 
7. Haven't met you yet by Michael Buble - Unfortunately not all relationships are going to work out. But just wait because you ARE going to find that one person (: 

Regret.

      The thing I find funny about people who constantly regret their decisions and actions is how much time they waste pining over the past. Yes I have made mistakes, I have made tons of them and I will definitely continue to make more. I don't regret because I have learned from every mistake I have made and that's what will help me to become a better person, which is the most important thing. Yesterday is yesterday and today is a new day so live it. Live in the present and breathe the air of today and tomorrow and the next because those are the days that count. And if people are going to get angry at you for a mistake then how much do they truly mean to you? Mistakes are made by every single person, no one is perfect or even close to perfect. To really understand other people you have to look past their mistakes because they can't be taken back, but instead understand that those are the things that have made them the wonderful people that they are. So don't live counting regrets or reminding others of theirs. Because if you do, you will crumble and you will never truly be happy. If we spend today worrying about the regrets of yesterday and worrying about what might happen tomorrow then we will miss the wonders of today. I challenge you to be strong, confident, proud of yourself,  and free of regret!